Spent most of today putting out emotional fires with students today. The poetry slam ignited a fierce storm of drama. One of my actors was suspended and another one is grating on my nerves with his emotionally manipulative ways. One student is crying out for help from me and I don't have all the answers or know if the ones I propose can be of much help. I spent most of my day being a social worker for kids, and also realizing that if I was the social worker, I wouldn't know the kids the way I do... or even what I do. It's a conundrum. The title of social worker alone would probably drive them away and the fact that they come to know me first as a teacher and then as a confidante it what works for us. I can always fall back on literature and discussion and plays. To focus on mental and emotional health all day would, I think, drain me. And so I am compelled to ask myself: as I strive wholeheartedly to make a difference in the lives of my students, will I be able to do the same for my son? Will I have the reserve and patience to tackle his personal challenges? If I allow myself to be emotionally wrung out by my students, will I have enough left for Quinn, who deserves the best from me and may not have a teacher like me in his life?

I am able to blog everyday for and about my kids for school, but then come up short for this blog because words and fluency escape me. And yet, it was only through listening to an old voicemail Quinn left me on my way home from work that I was able to make it home and attempt to reframe my mind. The most amazing thing in the world is the way Quinn runs after a baseball. With his fists balled up and his arms pumping back and forth, he runs with his back straight against the win, posture tall, lowering his center of gravity as he pursues the ball. Lately, he just wants to be outside and I love that the instinct in him is strong to be outside and playing. Luke, Quinn and I braved a rainy looking night this week to head to the park. It looked like maybe I had sent us out into turbulent weather, but it held, and there was the most beautiful double rainbow after a light sprinkle. Quinn is getting really good about hearing and taking direction. Luke has taught him, for instance, how to stand when he's at bat and he can correct Quinn by asking him to turn around. Quinn makes contact on a good number of our pitches and it's so exciting to see him bat. I do my very best to encourage all of his attempts, validating his effort, his swing, his concentration.... When he runs after balls, he sometimes allows himself to take a circuitous path, weaving here and there in pursuit of the ball. His aim has gotten leaps and bounds better and he's throwing straight more and more. Of course, as hea wearies, so too does his approach. When he's tired, he might spin around completely as he throws and the ball ends up behind him, or just in front of him after a pop up into the sky:)

Quinn's new favorite movie is King George and his Ducky, a Veggie Tales film my mom bought him for Easter. He insists lately on wearing his too small Saints t-shirt that is beginning to look like a half t-shirt on him. Funny kid. Of course, he also loves his TC Twins shirt that Nana and Papa got for him and will wear that multiple days in a row. We're going on two weeks now that we've skipped swimming lessons. Something about all that work for 1/2 an hour discourages us, I think. When we ask him if he wants to go, he invariably says No even though if we got him there, I'm sure he would be over the moon. As he was swinging at the park the other day, I was singing to him the Teddy Bear song that we do at swimming and when we closed the song, Quinn said, "Bye Swimming". HIs associations are strong.

I'm driving a new vehicle now. Matt has finally retrieved his Kia Spectra and despite it's loud motor, I am using it so that Quinn and LUke have access to the car seat Honda. It feels awfully weird to be driving a new car and not to be driving my kid around. My lack of having a routine to drop him off to school leaves me feeling rather empty and lost. I miss the one minute drive where QUinn and I sang together. I miss starting and ending my work day with Quinn, even if it meant having less time for schoolwork. Of course I always could use more time to get school stuff done, but I better liked my life when I had more Quinn time. My last drop off of Quinn at daycare was really sad. Two years ago, I lifted a baby into Jo-Jo's house and in the last few weeks he was there, he was climbing out of the car himself and walking in on his own. How many afternoon's did I jokingly chase him down the street because he was running away from me and wanted me to play? I miss being the guts of Quinn's day. Now, I have more freedom to get to work and stay there, but what good does that do me when I already feel like it gets too much of my heart?

Obviously, I'm a little emotionally overwrought today and I don't always feel this way. Luke's unemployment has had so many ripple effects and I'm probably just feeling the stress of it all right now. I don't thinK i can get this masters paper done this month and it kills me to have to put it off yet again, especially when I don't know how to do that...

Tonight Quinn was being pulled around by his father in the IKEA bag and was blissfully happy tucking himself into the $.50 bag. Quinn loves to watch Dad's show- 30 Rock. What a funny show for him to enjoy. Dad got to take Quinn to Target the other day and bought Quinn a mater truck, from cars. How fun and sweet.

Chris' wedding is right around the corner and the prospect of the weekend is exciting and exhausting. Thankfully, I'm taking a long weekend and so I hope that will give me time to recover from the fun and obligations. The whole household is part of the event. Asha is doing us a huge favor and agreeing to be Quinn's nanny for the day. I need to make that hotel reservation...

We got some really terrible news today about Gwen. Or rather, she got some really upsetting news. She has been having some medical issues lately and it turns out that she may have a form of really aggressive blood cancer. I don't even know how to process the news. So often, it seems that Tim and I would talk about the whole what comes around goes around thing and I guess I never thought something could actually happen... and I hate to believe that it may have. For all that Gwen is or isn't, I don't want her personal life and health to be in peril. I think she has areas of growth to work on in her professional life, but so do I. My heart breaks at the thought of her becoming sick. I don't know what would happen to the school without her.

As much as we would have liked to see Quinn racing away on his new bike, it seems that he is content to run away on his own two feet. Granted, the bike we got is a little big for him, but he also kind of just wants to be pushed on it anyways:) When we were at Carolyn's last sunday for dinner, Lukey had a push version of the bike where you had to use your legs to move and Quinn just set his feet up on the rest bar and wanted me to push him. Funny kid. He was so friendly with Lukey last weekend. There house is one cluttered, crazed toy bonanza. They have so many things for Quinn to explore. More than that though, he wants Lukey to play with him and be his friend. It's pretty darn cool to witness the kindness and openness Quinn has to be close to other kids his age. Pretty sweet. He's a good hugger, my Quinn.

We had our first non-family babysitter last week. Her name is Grace and she's one of my students. She's done mentoring before and worked at Wilder, and done lots of babysitting. She was pretty open and accepting of my neurosis too. It was a fun night out for Luke and I. We went to dinner and saw a movie and I'm not sure we'll be able to do that again, but it was a nice night. Why won't be repeat it very soon? It's expensive. We ended up paying grace something like $4o for the night. Whew.

Still, she got him to bed and he did well with her so that is a wonderful feat. Sidney was sad that I didn't let her take care of Quinn. Maybe someday:) For the time being, Grace is a bit more steady.

QUinn loves Crispix now and we've gotten him into a good routine of cereal in the morning. Cool. Good source of iron too. Blood drive is tomorrow at school. Dinner theater in two weeks.