Quinn will be three years old in less than a month and I've not spent a single night away from him in all that time. For more than two years, I've slept beside my child, hearing him breathe and knowing with perfect certainty that he was safe- both next to me, in the next room or in my arms. I find that our time asleep is just as meaningful to me as our waking time. So, it comes as no surprise that I am awake right now, vexed by the most recent request for Quinn to sleep over with his grandparents. Logic tells me that the desire to spend time with Quinn is borne out of love and affection and not a need to take him "away" from me. I know this. I can tell me mind to listen to that common sense, but my heart sends a different message. My body and soul ache with worry that someone is going to be less kind or patient with Quinn than I would be. Someone will say something about me to Quinn that will change how he sees me or our relationship. Someone will chastize Quinn for any mention of me... when it's normal for him to want to see me within a 24 hour period because he doesn't know any different. Shouldn't I have the perogative to say that Quinn can't sleepover until he's done with nursing? Or, am I allowing my fear to guide my choices? Am I worried about being replaced and unncecessary? How did I get to this place? Luke shares with me that he is lonely and needs/wants more time with me. I hear him and want to honor and acknowledge/respond to that shared emotion, but my heart is so filled with Quinn that I don't know what to do. Without meaning to, my mind has convinced me that time or prioritizing my relationship with Luke can wait- even when I know that it can't and that thinking is poor. How will I provide financially for my family this summer? Do I think this is a good time to consider having a second child? How important to me is having another child? Will I ever be able to finish my capstone? Will I ever be out of debt? Will I ever be able to convince my student's to stop harming themselves? So much stress.