UP

Last night we went to our first family movie together. It was one of those plans that I had set up in my head as an idyllic little adventure for the family, even though I hadn't quite laid out the details with such finesse. The day was busy from start to finish. I began my day early in the morning by helping Matt pack up his giant entertainment center to bring to the class garage sale at Grace's. Then, we were supposed to be off for Asha's, but since we were running late, we missed her. Andrew was there with a partially packed car we would need to drive over so I didn't rush. Then, Quinn, Matt and I stopped on Grand for a sticky bun, some "Coffee" and a trip to Creative Kids Stuff where everything in the store was 25% off. Wild. I picked up two Melissa and Doug food sets, a small sticker set for Lukey and some cool sand. Luke was only mildly annoyed about the sand since we don't have a sand or water table...

Yet:)

After our mini-trip down Grand, we headed over to Asha's and got things situated there. Mind you, Quinn and I have been on the go since before 8 and it's now nearly 10. We head over to Grace's as an entourage and then have to turn around and return Asha's car. I leave Quinn with Grace so he has some play time outside, drop off Matt at home and pick up Quinn. Now's it's 11:30. We head down to Cannon Falls for Lukey's party and Quinn gets an insufficient 20 minute nap, which leads to a break down at Carolyn's. After a couple hours visit there where my son ate nothing but corn chips, we headed home-- via Dairy Queen- and then to St. Paul. Quinn took a hearty nap, which meant we missed the Family Formation picnic, and then we were off to Rosedale. We couldn't commit to a dinner plan because Quinn was antsy and eventually we settled on pizza in the mall food court. Unfortunately, the movie was sold out and so we were in a panic about where to go. I didn't want the dream to die, Quinn wanted to go to the park and Luke did his best to keep his patience with me. After some slightly tense conversations, we ended up at the Inver Grove Theater which was blessedly NOT crowded and we sat in the very back row. Quinn wolfed down popcorn and Reese's and was a sweet little boy. After the very first Pixar short he wanted to go home, but we pushed through and he did quite well. We had to have a few pseudo nursing attempts, but by and large is was very fun and a sweet movie.

Today we have to head to Waseca for Tyler's graduation party. Gracious.

Quinn will be three years old in less than a month and I've not spent a single night away from him in all that time. For more than two years, I've slept beside my child, hearing him breathe and knowing with perfect certainty that he was safe- both next to me, in the next room or in my arms. I find that our time asleep is just as meaningful to me as our waking time. So, it comes as no surprise that I am awake right now, vexed by the most recent request for Quinn to sleep over with his grandparents. Logic tells me that the desire to spend time with Quinn is borne out of love and affection and not a need to take him "away" from me. I know this. I can tell me mind to listen to that common sense, but my heart sends a different message. My body and soul ache with worry that someone is going to be less kind or patient with Quinn than I would be. Someone will say something about me to Quinn that will change how he sees me or our relationship. Someone will chastize Quinn for any mention of me... when it's normal for him to want to see me within a 24 hour period because he doesn't know any different. Shouldn't I have the perogative to say that Quinn can't sleepover until he's done with nursing? Or, am I allowing my fear to guide my choices? Am I worried about being replaced and unncecessary? How did I get to this place? Luke shares with me that he is lonely and needs/wants more time with me. I hear him and want to honor and acknowledge/respond to that shared emotion, but my heart is so filled with Quinn that I don't know what to do. Without meaning to, my mind has convinced me that time or prioritizing my relationship with Luke can wait- even when I know that it can't and that thinking is poor. How will I provide financially for my family this summer? Do I think this is a good time to consider having a second child? How important to me is having another child? Will I ever be able to finish my capstone? Will I ever be out of debt? Will I ever be able to convince my student's to stop harming themselves? So much stress.

The materialism of this wedding is wearing on me. The amount of money Chris and sheryl can spend without any worry or care is frustrating to me and Sheryl's filter about expressing that freedom is vexing. She is not a bad person. She is very beloved by her family and that points to someone who is connected to family. She works hard at her job and is bright in that field. She's an excellent cook and homemaker and loves my brother. I don't know if it's her flightiness and privilege that bother me or her subtle classism... probably all of it. I worry that Chris will struggle with this marriage as well, though I don't worry that she would ever be unfaithful. Her mother is very sweet and kind and I believe that those caring traits will be a part of her motherhood. OUr family is so small and hers is so large. I just feel completely out of sorts. The make-up, hair, fancy spots for everything... it's all wild. Even her remarks about the cash bar are wild. Uggh. I need to remember that I am not marrying Sheryl and that Chris is very, very smart and obviously loves Sheryl very much. I wish that Chris and I were closer and that we had a more natural vibe with one another. Matt didn't even know he was the best man. What a weekend this will be!

Outside of 575 Jefferson is a small "hill" that leads from the small lawn area in front of the house to the driveway that is sunken a bit to the right of the house. Quinn uses this space as his slide and sits down and pushes his butt along the ground to the bottom of the small decline. Hilarious.

Quinn loves the notion of sword fighting or rather, light saber battles. Gracious. My poor finger got hit twice yesterday with his antics. We went on a short, but complicated walk yesterday. When I say short, I mean the distance covered away from the house. We did lots of back and forth directionally:) Someone on the lawn area next to the street had some landscaping around a tree and we went round and round it on the stones that squared off the tree. He likes to hop now, both forward on a small space and down. We've got him new Converse now, Size 9, with the low sides so we have fewer shoelace holes to maneuver. Quinn has a lovely new haircut and knows that Dad and Matt are both wearing tuxes for the wedding this weekend and that Quinn will wear one too. Quinn would like Mommy to wear one as well, but I told him I'm wearing a dress:) My son is nearly three. Yesterday when I was mentioning to Matt that my birthday was on Tuesday, Quinn said, "No, my birthday" so at least he's making connections. I'm going to enjoy this weekend and I'm looking forward to new family photos:)

I'm in the house right now and I can here my son and his father playing baseball outside. When I glance through the blinds, I see Quinn playing ball, the two of them communicating calmly and my son's face shining back at me. Being Quinn's mother is the most amazing thing ever and each day is an enormous blessing. I can't imagine how I lived before him-- or rather, I know such different kind of love and centeredness now that he is my son. I wish I could crystallize or freeze all of my moments with him. My memory is so very terrible and my penchant for taking photos is even worse. How can I live in the moment and at the same time, capture the moment? I love my son.

Awesome Quinn

Quinn likes to walk on edges lately. There's a low stone wall in front of the house and Quinn likes to balance on it. Along our make-shift driveway there is also a concrete ridge of sorts that climbs up the small incline. He likes to walk up that as well. He's doing so well with his balance and strengthening of muscles, I think. When he runs, I marvel at his little legs and arms working together. Sometimes he leans forward- into a fictional wind- and runs fiercely forward, fists balled. Other times, he stands up painfully straight as he runs. Still other times, he shuffles his feet as he moves along, feet in front of his whole body. To every walk and quirk to Quinn, there is beauty and growth, making me feel like the luckiest Mom in the world

My son loves his Car pajamas. The pants to it are red, white and blue and plaid style. They are hilarious and he loves them. Come to think of it, Quinn always loves whatever set of pajamas is new and would like to wear them more than just for bed time. Went to swimming lessons last night for the first time in two weeks. Quinn loves the swim instructor this time around. It's a guy and he's very interactive and goes beyond the syrupy sweet voice of the teen girl instructors. Quinn wants to chase him around the pool and play. Funny kid.

Last night we had a small accident with Quinn. My little explorer decided to pull up the vent in his room. Then, before I could put it back, he decided to walk over it, forgetting it was gone. His little foot slipped into the hole and it gave him a scratch on the bottom of his foot that bled a bit. Poor thing. 'Course, as soon as he had a bandaid on his heel, he began to walk around on his toes. I do love that somehow he always knows how to protect his injury, even when his injury is sometimes fake:)

My wonderful little boy seems to be on his way to weening himself. Sort of. Of course, yesterday was the first time I admitted that aloud to Luke and then Quinn was nursing more than ever last night. Maybe he intuited it too. Now that I have longer work days with Luke at home with Quinn, we are nursing later and he's been sleeping for longer periods at night. The books and articles all say that weaning is something really gradual and that he may just surprise me one day and be done. Quinn has had so many transitions lately with Luke home and no more Jo-Jo's. I think he's handled it all really well. Excellent little boy.

The newest routine in the house is playing a lot of ball and catch. Quinn likes to set Luke and I up in a triangle and we toss the ball back and forth, or, when it comes to the golf ball or actual baseball, we roll it. The other week we got this incredibly sweet note from the neighbor that said she saw us playing as a family in the backyard and really loved that even when Quinn missed the baseball, we cheered and celebrated his efforts. What a cool validation.

Luke is doing really brilliantly with Quinn during the day. They are playing together so much and Luke has him excelling with meals. Plus, he's getting him to nap without having to lay down with him. While I do very much want Luke to find a job soon, I am glad that they have this time together, even if I am a tad envious. Still, my summer will soon be here and I have enjoyed more time with Quinn as a result of my work schedule from the time he was born. It is more than right that Luke should have these delicious moments with our son:)

Friday, 5/8

Hmm....

I hope that all is going swimmingly well with your projects and that you are energetically assembling your trip! For some of you, that trip might become a reality if you sign up for Rich's trip next spring.

I didn't see many daily response posts yesterday. Please remember that conferences are literally around the corner and that mid-terms are mailed Wednesday morning. Please also remember that your blog should include at least 2-3 misc. posts per week that can be about anything and everything.

Have a wonderful weekend and I hope you're donating some blood today at the blood drive!

Spent most of today putting out emotional fires with students today. The poetry slam ignited a fierce storm of drama. One of my actors was suspended and another one is grating on my nerves with his emotionally manipulative ways. One student is crying out for help from me and I don't have all the answers or know if the ones I propose can be of much help. I spent most of my day being a social worker for kids, and also realizing that if I was the social worker, I wouldn't know the kids the way I do... or even what I do. It's a conundrum. The title of social worker alone would probably drive them away and the fact that they come to know me first as a teacher and then as a confidante it what works for us. I can always fall back on literature and discussion and plays. To focus on mental and emotional health all day would, I think, drain me. And so I am compelled to ask myself: as I strive wholeheartedly to make a difference in the lives of my students, will I be able to do the same for my son? Will I have the reserve and patience to tackle his personal challenges? If I allow myself to be emotionally wrung out by my students, will I have enough left for Quinn, who deserves the best from me and may not have a teacher like me in his life?

I am able to blog everyday for and about my kids for school, but then come up short for this blog because words and fluency escape me. And yet, it was only through listening to an old voicemail Quinn left me on my way home from work that I was able to make it home and attempt to reframe my mind. The most amazing thing in the world is the way Quinn runs after a baseball. With his fists balled up and his arms pumping back and forth, he runs with his back straight against the win, posture tall, lowering his center of gravity as he pursues the ball. Lately, he just wants to be outside and I love that the instinct in him is strong to be outside and playing. Luke, Quinn and I braved a rainy looking night this week to head to the park. It looked like maybe I had sent us out into turbulent weather, but it held, and there was the most beautiful double rainbow after a light sprinkle. Quinn is getting really good about hearing and taking direction. Luke has taught him, for instance, how to stand when he's at bat and he can correct Quinn by asking him to turn around. Quinn makes contact on a good number of our pitches and it's so exciting to see him bat. I do my very best to encourage all of his attempts, validating his effort, his swing, his concentration.... When he runs after balls, he sometimes allows himself to take a circuitous path, weaving here and there in pursuit of the ball. His aim has gotten leaps and bounds better and he's throwing straight more and more. Of course, as hea wearies, so too does his approach. When he's tired, he might spin around completely as he throws and the ball ends up behind him, or just in front of him after a pop up into the sky:)

Quinn's new favorite movie is King George and his Ducky, a Veggie Tales film my mom bought him for Easter. He insists lately on wearing his too small Saints t-shirt that is beginning to look like a half t-shirt on him. Funny kid. Of course, he also loves his TC Twins shirt that Nana and Papa got for him and will wear that multiple days in a row. We're going on two weeks now that we've skipped swimming lessons. Something about all that work for 1/2 an hour discourages us, I think. When we ask him if he wants to go, he invariably says No even though if we got him there, I'm sure he would be over the moon. As he was swinging at the park the other day, I was singing to him the Teddy Bear song that we do at swimming and when we closed the song, Quinn said, "Bye Swimming". HIs associations are strong.

I'm driving a new vehicle now. Matt has finally retrieved his Kia Spectra and despite it's loud motor, I am using it so that Quinn and LUke have access to the car seat Honda. It feels awfully weird to be driving a new car and not to be driving my kid around. My lack of having a routine to drop him off to school leaves me feeling rather empty and lost. I miss the one minute drive where QUinn and I sang together. I miss starting and ending my work day with Quinn, even if it meant having less time for schoolwork. Of course I always could use more time to get school stuff done, but I better liked my life when I had more Quinn time. My last drop off of Quinn at daycare was really sad. Two years ago, I lifted a baby into Jo-Jo's house and in the last few weeks he was there, he was climbing out of the car himself and walking in on his own. How many afternoon's did I jokingly chase him down the street because he was running away from me and wanted me to play? I miss being the guts of Quinn's day. Now, I have more freedom to get to work and stay there, but what good does that do me when I already feel like it gets too much of my heart?

Obviously, I'm a little emotionally overwrought today and I don't always feel this way. Luke's unemployment has had so many ripple effects and I'm probably just feeling the stress of it all right now. I don't thinK i can get this masters paper done this month and it kills me to have to put it off yet again, especially when I don't know how to do that...

Tonight Quinn was being pulled around by his father in the IKEA bag and was blissfully happy tucking himself into the $.50 bag. Quinn loves to watch Dad's show- 30 Rock. What a funny show for him to enjoy. Dad got to take Quinn to Target the other day and bought Quinn a mater truck, from cars. How fun and sweet.

Chris' wedding is right around the corner and the prospect of the weekend is exciting and exhausting. Thankfully, I'm taking a long weekend and so I hope that will give me time to recover from the fun and obligations. The whole household is part of the event. Asha is doing us a huge favor and agreeing to be Quinn's nanny for the day. I need to make that hotel reservation...

We got some really terrible news today about Gwen. Or rather, she got some really upsetting news. She has been having some medical issues lately and it turns out that she may have a form of really aggressive blood cancer. I don't even know how to process the news. So often, it seems that Tim and I would talk about the whole what comes around goes around thing and I guess I never thought something could actually happen... and I hate to believe that it may have. For all that Gwen is or isn't, I don't want her personal life and health to be in peril. I think she has areas of growth to work on in her professional life, but so do I. My heart breaks at the thought of her becoming sick. I don't know what would happen to the school without her.

As much as we would have liked to see Quinn racing away on his new bike, it seems that he is content to run away on his own two feet. Granted, the bike we got is a little big for him, but he also kind of just wants to be pushed on it anyways:) When we were at Carolyn's last sunday for dinner, Lukey had a push version of the bike where you had to use your legs to move and Quinn just set his feet up on the rest bar and wanted me to push him. Funny kid. He was so friendly with Lukey last weekend. There house is one cluttered, crazed toy bonanza. They have so many things for Quinn to explore. More than that though, he wants Lukey to play with him and be his friend. It's pretty darn cool to witness the kindness and openness Quinn has to be close to other kids his age. Pretty sweet. He's a good hugger, my Quinn.

We had our first non-family babysitter last week. Her name is Grace and she's one of my students. She's done mentoring before and worked at Wilder, and done lots of babysitting. She was pretty open and accepting of my neurosis too. It was a fun night out for Luke and I. We went to dinner and saw a movie and I'm not sure we'll be able to do that again, but it was a nice night. Why won't be repeat it very soon? It's expensive. We ended up paying grace something like $4o for the night. Whew.

Still, she got him to bed and he did well with her so that is a wonderful feat. Sidney was sad that I didn't let her take care of Quinn. Maybe someday:) For the time being, Grace is a bit more steady.

QUinn loves Crispix now and we've gotten him into a good routine of cereal in the morning. Cool. Good source of iron too. Blood drive is tomorrow at school. Dinner theater in two weeks.