Well, still no arrival of baby and I feel what most mothers likely feel which is a cross between wanting to NOT be pregnant any longer and not wanting necessarily to start the whole infant need process. Do I want to be without rest and uncomfortable because I have had the baby or because I haven't? Is there greater joy or relaxation in spending these final days with just one child and our happy trio or will there be a different, but lovely happiness to a new baby being here to see and love, even amidst new diapers, feedings and whatnot?

Yesterday was a lovely day. I was happy to be able to attend my shower at Asha's and it was a very sweet affair. Asha had everyone bring a dish to share and the bounty of leftovers came home with me, filling my freezer with goodness and love. It was delightful to see Nielsen and to see our three mothers together. Beth, Megan, Bobbi, and Sheryl rounded out gang and it was a pleasant affair. We decorated onesies, visited and had an overall mellow time. Megan crafted a really gorgeous quilt for the baby and had a sundry of other beautiful gifts. We received gifts we needed to supplement our baby girl readiness, along with heaps of good will and love. Afterwards I was able to spend quality time chatting with Asha and Jen and returned home for a lovely evening with Quinn. My son was all about some quality one on one time with Mom, so he and I went to the Noodle Store together (Noodles and Co.), then to Lund's for a few groceries and then to the Ice Cream store (Izzy's) for our dessert treat. He was incredibly well behaved throughout and seemed all to happy to have me to himself.

I have all of my thank you's taken care of for the shower and feel terrific about honoring everyone's love and also being on top of things before I cease to have full use of my brain. To be fair, I think my brain is a little bit scattered. Last night was a rough night of sleep, mixed with traces of anxiety. I should have probably taken one of the pills they sent home with me, but it feels odd to take something medicinal when I so rarely so anymore.

I am trying to imprint in my mind moments with the trio. Today Quinn and his Dad did some dish washing together. Quinn was wearing his green t-short which runs a little long. His pants were absent because we had just changed a full diaper. With Quinn on the stool, he is just a head shorter than his father. They were working together and Quinn's industry around his dishwashing was a delight to see, as well as Luke's focused attention to model and teach. Earlier today Quinn and I played with trains and legos and light sabers. Then, we all went to the park and I watched my two boys golf together. The golfing turned into chasing around the field after the ball, with Quinn laughing, giggling and loving life. He says things like, "I found the park" when we drive there.

Have I mentioned how adorable my son is when my son hits the downward dog pose after going poop in the toilet and getting help from Luke or I to get all cleaned up? Quinn plopped himself down in the baby chair/seat thing again. He also wanted to be held like a baby before his nap today. He started his nap in the crib, but eventually ended up napping next to me. Last night when he saw the beautiful quilt from Megan he wanted to lay it out for the baby. He very carefully spread it out on the big bed during story time last night. Sweet boy. He is vascillating between pride about the baby and the baby's new things and some anxiety. I suppose my son and I are much alike:)

I'm trying to be as planful as possible about recognizing people's desire to meet the little one once she arrives, but trying to do it graciously and on terms that I like. I know that my level of exhaustion pre-baby makes me more emotional and particular about things and the baby amnesia didn't block unpleasant memories from the first few days of being home and feeling overwhelmed by guests and whatnot. I want to invite people to take joy in her, just as we do, but I want to be together enough and my family intact enough, to do it well-- in our own way. Let's hope that the planning and foresight Luke and I have tried to have will serve us well. Certainly, we observed much from Levi and Bobbi's recent challenges with family introductions and Leigha.

I don't want to give birth on 4/20, even though that would mean that I might get to have Edie help deliver the little one. While her birthday would certainly be something extraordinary to celebrate, she might always be haunted by the other events that took place on that day. Of course, I don't have control over such things:)