Well, still no arrival of baby and I feel what most mothers likely feel which is a cross between wanting to NOT be pregnant any longer and not wanting necessarily to start the whole infant need process. Do I want to be without rest and uncomfortable because I have had the baby or because I haven't? Is there greater joy or relaxation in spending these final days with just one child and our happy trio or will there be a different, but lovely happiness to a new baby being here to see and love, even amidst new diapers, feedings and whatnot?

Yesterday was a lovely day. I was happy to be able to attend my shower at Asha's and it was a very sweet affair. Asha had everyone bring a dish to share and the bounty of leftovers came home with me, filling my freezer with goodness and love. It was delightful to see Nielsen and to see our three mothers together. Beth, Megan, Bobbi, and Sheryl rounded out gang and it was a pleasant affair. We decorated onesies, visited and had an overall mellow time. Megan crafted a really gorgeous quilt for the baby and had a sundry of other beautiful gifts. We received gifts we needed to supplement our baby girl readiness, along with heaps of good will and love. Afterwards I was able to spend quality time chatting with Asha and Jen and returned home for a lovely evening with Quinn. My son was all about some quality one on one time with Mom, so he and I went to the Noodle Store together (Noodles and Co.), then to Lund's for a few groceries and then to the Ice Cream store (Izzy's) for our dessert treat. He was incredibly well behaved throughout and seemed all to happy to have me to himself.

I have all of my thank you's taken care of for the shower and feel terrific about honoring everyone's love and also being on top of things before I cease to have full use of my brain. To be fair, I think my brain is a little bit scattered. Last night was a rough night of sleep, mixed with traces of anxiety. I should have probably taken one of the pills they sent home with me, but it feels odd to take something medicinal when I so rarely so anymore.

I am trying to imprint in my mind moments with the trio. Today Quinn and his Dad did some dish washing together. Quinn was wearing his green t-short which runs a little long. His pants were absent because we had just changed a full diaper. With Quinn on the stool, he is just a head shorter than his father. They were working together and Quinn's industry around his dishwashing was a delight to see, as well as Luke's focused attention to model and teach. Earlier today Quinn and I played with trains and legos and light sabers. Then, we all went to the park and I watched my two boys golf together. The golfing turned into chasing around the field after the ball, with Quinn laughing, giggling and loving life. He says things like, "I found the park" when we drive there.

Have I mentioned how adorable my son is when my son hits the downward dog pose after going poop in the toilet and getting help from Luke or I to get all cleaned up? Quinn plopped himself down in the baby chair/seat thing again. He also wanted to be held like a baby before his nap today. He started his nap in the crib, but eventually ended up napping next to me. Last night when he saw the beautiful quilt from Megan he wanted to lay it out for the baby. He very carefully spread it out on the big bed during story time last night. Sweet boy. He is vascillating between pride about the baby and the baby's new things and some anxiety. I suppose my son and I are much alike:)

I'm trying to be as planful as possible about recognizing people's desire to meet the little one once she arrives, but trying to do it graciously and on terms that I like. I know that my level of exhaustion pre-baby makes me more emotional and particular about things and the baby amnesia didn't block unpleasant memories from the first few days of being home and feeling overwhelmed by guests and whatnot. I want to invite people to take joy in her, just as we do, but I want to be together enough and my family intact enough, to do it well-- in our own way. Let's hope that the planning and foresight Luke and I have tried to have will serve us well. Certainly, we observed much from Levi and Bobbi's recent challenges with family introductions and Leigha.

I don't want to give birth on 4/20, even though that would mean that I might get to have Edie help deliver the little one. While her birthday would certainly be something extraordinary to celebrate, she might always be haunted by the other events that took place on that day. Of course, I don't have control over such things:)

Well, no baby yet, even though we spent last night at Regions in their labor and delivery "way station". Uggh. After timing the contractions at every 5 minutes for an hour, I was ready to go, yet patient. We waited for my Mom to arrive, continued to play with Quinn and readied ourselves. We took showers, made sure the house was in order and then departed. One of the most emotional parts of the evening was saying good-bye to Quinn. There I was in the living room, watching Quinn play with the baby swing and in my mind, I was saying farewell to that part of his life, the trio of just the three of us, knowing that his life was going to change... and it made saying goodbye to him very difficult. The only time I cried the whole night was after waving goodbye to my son from the car. We really are entering this whole new phase of life where Quinn isn't my baby or only child and its difficult to see that. I want to be able to give him everything he needs and that is bound to change in the very near future. Still, he has my heart and love and that is not going to change, no matter the obligations or duties I have before me. I will sacrifice what I must to be an exceptional mother and partner:)

Now, to the guts of the evening.. the miserable, long evening.

When I arrived I was ushered to the way station. Wait, back up. As we were driving along University, blocks away from the hospital, a car nearly hit us as it illegally merged into the two lanes of our traffic. It was wild and frightening and to Luke's credit, he remained super calm, not even honking. How hilarious then to see that same car pulled in front of the emergency room, lifting/pushing a very pregnant woman into the ER. How funny it would have been to see the two of our cars crash when we both had the same destination and the same reason for heading in that direction. Fortunately, we were all safe:)

Back to the night. We were officiously packed and not carrying the weight of 80 bags which seemed to be our plan last time. We were hooked up to the machines and watched the contractions come and go frequently and with great intensity. It made me glad to see that I wasn't hallucinating the contractions and validated my record keeping. I watched some Mad Men, ate some granola bars, lived the risky life and ate a regions box lunch with a lunch meat sandwich and waited for things to progress, which they did not. Around 2 or so, they gave me meds so I could sleep and then I dozed in and out of sleep until around 6 when I was finally so exhausted by the temperature and limbs falling asleep and the aches in my butt from the heinous thing they call a bed... and were sent home. The contractions had slowed considerably and after muliple cervix checks nothing had changed. So, after both Luke and I suffered enormous discomfort and shitty sleep, we went home. I appreciate my bed so very, very much. We'll be bringing our own pillows next time and lots of them because the hospital ones suck. Erggh. So, I've taken multiple naps today and relaxed and am looking forward to my shower tomorrow. I hope to spend some quality time with Jen and Asha after the shower and I guess just bide my time until she really chooses to arrive. Money is very tight, but I'm sure something will work out. At this point, I want to go to Tuesday's ultrasound and see the fetal weight and then go from there. I'd like to get the science class stuff finished and Ethan's eval mailed off. That way, I know that both of those stipends will be coming my way in the coming weeks. Thank goodness that Congress approved the extensions for unemployment. Otherwise, our financial life was going to get very interesting, very quickly. I am excited to see Quinn when he returns from Grandma's this afternoon and grateful for her help. I need to be nicer to her and not let me anxiety over her aging get in the way of how I treat her. I am all about grapefruits lately. Yesterday was, by the way, a rather delightful afternoon with the family. We stopped by Lund's after getting Quinn and picked up food for a picnic. Then, we headed over to Minnehaha Falls park and played and ate there. We met a nice man and his daughter, whose wife teaches in Apple Valley and they are also expecting their second. It was a very nice time. In fact, we've had plenty of joyful trio kinds of outings lately, many of them taking place at Izzy's or as Quinn calls it "The Ice Cream Store". We likes to get a Strawberry cone with a chocolate Izzy. Luke and i too have been trying to hang together and enjoy solo adult time. We went to Key's yesterday for breakfast after our midwife appt. and had a nice meal where I ran into an old AVHS student. Crazy!

Alright, must get to dinner. Loving my family always.

Another new day and no new baby:) Fortunately, I slept well last night and Luke and Quinn had another evening of Star Wars bed bonding, which meant I had the big bed to myself. Last night we headed to the park and played a little baseball and then enjoyed the swings and park features. It is interesting for me to watch coaching in action, as Luke directs or redirects Quinn's stance and whatnot for baseball. The Target anecdote about picking his bat is also pretty funny, but we'll hope Luke holds on to that memory as its not my own to share. Quinn's preschool conference was yesterday and it looks like we need to focus on sorting and groups-- and perhaps encouraging Quinn to engage in more solo, direct play. It's pretty amazing to me how quickly a parent's mind goes to defending or justifying a child's development or intellect and I have to catch myself before I go off the deep end on either end. For example, when she says she's concerned that Quinn needs to be reminded of an activities purpose or exercise, do I take that as a processing or memory issue? A focus issue? Do I seek out additional resources for him? Or, do I consider on the other hand that his learning style may not be as suited to Montessori as some kids? Ah, the balance. I want Quinn to do well in life and have achievement and happiness. His teacher says he is a very happy child, very respective and takes direction well. He has a marvy little group of friends--- who sometimes like to band together and run around the room until stopped... How much should he be doing as a three year old and how much should we be doing at home? We're trying to ratchet down tv and game time and encourage outdoor activities and legos. He does great pretend play and can play independently well. At what point to I consider the skills he is working on and those that are on hold? At what point do I hold Luke and I more responsible for this or that skill? Ah, the mind game that is accountable parenting! I don't want to fail my children or for them to fail in life, though I know that both ideas are sort of gray areas.

Anywho, I was deeply frustrated with the nurse line last night because I just want to know when everything is going to happen and then plan from there, but my daughter to be is not on a schedule that I am privy to. SO, we'll head to our prenatal appt. this morning and take the non-stress test and then see from there. I am loath to go back to work now that I've left because it makes more sense for Windy to just gain her own personal momentum instead of me jumping back in and trying to create continuity again. Additionally, there's the Public Speaking licensure issue and I'd rather just be done with that and not stir any professional fires but trying to teach something I need a variance for. It would be nice to attend the shower on Saturday too, minus a child, but gracious sakes, will the contractions just remain?? The nurse was doing her best, I am sure, to be judicious and told me I could come in if I wanted to, but the absence of terrible back pain and the inconsistent timing of the contractions meant this was probably practice. Annoying, aggravating practice, I wanted to say, but practice. Plus, my mind is really centered on my current birth plan of keep Quinn and Luke as comfortable as possible. Imagining heading to the hospital in the middle of the night and having to make arrangements for Quinn's care and an alternative morning routine were upsetting to me. Alright, must get going so we can get Quinn off to school and Luke and I to the doctor.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

Banana paper.

This is Quinn's knock knock joke. It makes very little sense, but it is wonderfully adorable, like most things about him. He is becoming more and more wonderfully independent. He can dress himself almost entirely when it suits him and he also can get undressed with the same aplomb. Luke is being exceptional about mornings with Quinn. He has him in this lovely routine of sitting on the toilet, brushing his teeth in the morning and getting him ready. Quinn slept with his Dad last night and never came into my room at all. It's been a week now-- or maybe more- and he's been nursing free. Wild. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, this is very good news, but I can't help but pause a little and think back on the end of this phase of things. Just as Quinn seems to want to be a baby and talks about wanting to be in the swing, lay in the crib, he is moving forward as a little boy. He needs me just as much, but senses and knows that Dad is more able to be there for him these days. I know the new little one will need me very much, but it is with some sadness that I say farewell to Quinn's role as my only baby. He has been throughout such a source of joy and happiness and will obviously continue to be, but he will have to share that spotlight and that will be hard for both of us. Alright, feeling mushy. Loving my family.

Well, it seems the time is come.. or it appears so. I've been up since about 2, with a short nap in the wee hours of the morning and then another before lunch time. I called in for school and had Windy arrive, figuring I'd be too exhausted for school and that perhaps this is just how the some labors go... slowly. I hope it progresses because now I feel ready to be done. Heading back to school tomorrow, only to have more contractions that may or may not lead to labor is anti-climatic and not terribly fair to Windy or myself in terms of planning-- or at least a challenge. I am relishing my final moments in isolation. I encouraged Luke to keep his meeting with his Mom this morning at IKEA while I rested and then sent him off to the bank and to spend his birthday gap gift card at the mall while he was in the neighborhood. He's going to also grab some Chipotle, the spiciest thing I eat and let's hope that moves things along. I will also try and convince Luke to go on a walk with me later:) I want to move this along:)

Quinn's hide and seek

Quinn's approach to hide and seek has always been "evolving" and we've reached new understandings of how the game works, but we still have some room to grow:) It used to be that Luke and I would be laying next to him in bed and he'd hide under the covers. Now, we use the two bedrooms upstairs and play in a modified fashion. There's counting now, which is a fun addition. Of course, Luke and i try to count to 10 and Quinn is more of the 1, 2, 3 kind of kid. Additionally, the hiding is still not the key element. Quinn always hides in the same spots and insists that we hide in particular places as well. For example, the other day we needed to hide next to the big bed in Mom and Dad's room. When I tried to hide in the closet I was reprimanded. Quinn likes very much to hide under his Star Wars bed, nearly every time. His feet hang out and he makes little effort to hide them:) He also chuckles and giggles throughout the script of what we say when we look for him, "Hmm, where is Quinn? Is he under the crib? Is he in the closet? (Then we'll open the closet and say "Boo") Is he next to his kitchen?" Then, we'll tickle his feet and he'll crawl out. While we're still visiting, Quinn will ask to do it again and he'll crawl right back under the bed to be found, sending Luke or I to the other room to count. Last night was a new fun twist on things in that Quinn and I would hide behind pillows we held up in front of ourselves while sitting on the bed. I was feeling particularly immobile with #2 and so hiding behind a pillow in front of my face- though it failed to cover all of me- seemed a reasonable idea. Quinn agreed. He also determined that if he closed his eyes, no one else could see or find him. So, at one point, Quinn was lying face down on the bed stuffing his little head into a pillow, legs kicked up and he believed himself to be invisible. My chuckles and joy at his antics are really one of a kind. We're on day 5 right now of the weaning and he is grumpier about it then before. But, he has gotten over both of those episodes, for which I am grateful. I know this is very difficult for him and certainly not easy for me to watch him to sad, but I think it's key for us to at least advance this work before #2 arrives. I am doing my best to be patient and understanding, comforting and loving, in the face of this major change for him. Last night he wanted to be "the baby" and so I said I would hold him for 3 minutes like a baby, but naturally, Luke ended up helping. He did try to sleep in the crib like a baby, but eventually wound up in the Star Wars bed with Luke. On one of my first wake-ups of the night, I saw Luke bound up in a blanket on the floor and Quinn pleasantly sleeping. Later, Quinn wandered into the other room and slept the rest of the night with me. This morning has been all about a painful leg cramp in my left leg. Good stuff.

Yesterday evening we went to Edgecumbe park, our park of choice in the area. Quinn did lots of swinging with Dad and then played on the slide. There were some older boys there who were serving as rather poor role models. At one point, Quinn approached Luke and I with a mouthful of sand. For whatever reason, he had determined that he was going to put his whole mouth in the sand. Uggh. The other boys were also all about climbing up the slides, a feat not so bad for them, but not a practice we want him to have. I hope that Luke and I will remember the impressionability of the young ones as Quinn gets older and more agile.

Luke is a really marvelous father. His ability to brush Quinn's teeth, to make him laugh uproariously, to swing his son back and forth in the towel after bed time, to take him to swimming lessons and help him evolve as a little fish, the Dad's class every Monday night.. he's a very good, very loving father. Quinn is a very lucky little boy. Granted, right now, the two of them are playing Star Wars Legos on the Wii and Dad can get impatient with Quinn's "focus", but that's because he's human:) Mixed in with his patient humor is sound encouragement:)

One fun thing from this week was the taking of video on Luke's phone. Quinn loved to watch himself chatting and would impersonate himself as he watched. Quite funny:)

I've fallen off the gestational diabetes diet in major ways in the past month or so. I am trying to regain some semblance of control this weekend by monitoring my breakfast and beginning to the day. I have added grapefruits to my food line-up in the hopes that it takes the edge off my recent sweet tooth. Even though fruit is still carbs, this is far fewer calories than the three Izzy visits we made this week. Bless Luke for being generous and supportive, even as my choices are not the wisest.

I am taking every day as it comes, one at a time and knowing that is how I have to proceed. I will deal with what comes when it comes and for not, I need to be good to myself and my family every step of this process towards my daughter's arrival. Having a girl the second time allows me the convenience to keep saying that Quinn is the best little boy this Mommy could have and similarly unbiased statements that esteem him. She is well entitled to be a terrific daughter and Quinn gets to be the superb boy. Good times for all.

Bath time is going brilliantly lately as Quinn loves to float on his back and stomach and do laps in the tub. Funny little swimmer. Love it.

Quinn and his Dad are painting together. Quinn is wearing one of Luke's old shirts, backwards and looks more adorable than words can say. Last night, Quinn determined that he was going to wear Dad's pajamas to bed. Wearing an old green t-shirt and blue gym shorts, Quinn was a vision in over-sized funniness. We laughed about how things were too "small" and eventually, he was ready to don his own spaceship pajamas.

Megan and Leo visited me at the book fair recently and they picked up the book "Nurture Shock" which apparently makes a case for how too much positive validation from parents can be detrimental for kids. I suppose there's something to that argument, but I certainly find it personally difficult to do anything but celebrate how terrific I think my son is. It's worth a read though, or learning more, because I want Quinn to be centered and have a positive self-esteem, but not shy away from challenge:)

It is very hard for me, however, to not turn around and celebrate his delightful painting. He is such a cutey.

One more day to the term and then staff development. Had a really encouraging meeting with my long-term sub this morning and I think she's going to be really excellent in my stead.

Quinn and I watched cars today as they were passing by the house and worked on our colors. Our driving routine is pretty mellow. Luke and I may talk some and catch up and we check in about Quinn's day, but then we let him chill for a bit on the short ride home. On one hand, it's relaxing and low pressure... on the other hand, i have to fight the instinct to make every second with Quinn "count" in some academic or learning fashion. As a baby, even though our commute to Jo-jo's was incredibly short, I always made sure to sing the whole way or talk the whole way. I am odd.

Quinn says he is now going to paint a picture for me. He is singing the word "Blue, blue, blue, blue..."

Quinn likes to sing all sorts of random lines of conversation, which reminds me of my own lyrical gifts...

I have the Superwhy song in my head.

Have I mentioned that in our co-sleeping world, Quinn loves to snuggle as close to my back as possible and is almost always in the center of the bed, but not on one side-- unless it's my side:)

I like watching how kids are ambidextrous and try out painting and coloring with both hands.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Quinn has speech:) I love his voice and listening to its every inflection. I wish I could record it all. When I bring out the camera, however, he clams up and is focused on being recorded as opposed to being his charming former, chatty self.

Roger remains Quinn's top pick for his sister's name. He also seems to have two imaginary friends named Kenny and Roger, though Luke and I are not sure if we mishearing his pronunciation, if they actually exist...

"Oops, sorry."

I'm hearing this from the other room because Quinn has just accidentally killed his father's lego player. At times, this happens when Quinn and I are playing together. He is sweet and funny as he tries to apologize for ending our lego existence. Quinn likes to begin his entreaties about playing the game in that he can, "do it all himself" but then he inevitably needs help from Luke or I to get to the world he wants:) Of course, to be fair, he knows how to use the myriad of buttons on the two remotes and can do far more than I can in all of the world.

"I'm ok"

My son is hilarious and I love the sound of my voice, always. When he is not near Luke or I, say, downstairs while we are upstairs, and he tumbles or falls, he will always call out, "I'm ok" to let us know that all is well. There is something so innocent and sweet about his acknowledgement that he is going to be alright and that he knows we will quickly ask him how he is doing. He knows we care and that we want to see him be safe.

Today he and I were having our "pic-i-nick" on the front stoops while he ate his pizza from the shopping store and then we did some walking up and down the block. He wanted for the two of us to walk backwards together so we did. Then, he must have done something with his stride and he hurt his butt. Then, he twice asked me to touch his butt to confirm that it was hurt. Very funny stuff.

Quinn is all about the woodpecker that hits up the tree outside our window. He finds it incredibly entertaining the sound it makes and we listen with eager eyes and ears for the sound of the woodpecker. Quinn's imitation of the woodpecker to his Dad was also very entertaining. I impersonate the woodpecker by taking my hand and patting it quickly against my nose. Quinn does a full-on head bob act back and forth. Marvelous.

"It's scary."

This expression has crept into Quinn's vocabulary in the past few months and can seemingly fit any occasion. When we switched the rooms this last week, he was rather legitimately scared by the new shadows and shapes in the dark. Other times, like this morning, his room is scary when I ask him to go into it and pick up his books before he watches Star Wars. Our son can be wonderfully independent and at other times, fear spaces that are too big, open or empty without an adult present.

"Mommy said" or "Daddy said"

I don't think that little ones could apply the term white lie to what they do, but they do have the capability to misrepresent things-- and if the results work for them, I think they pull that trick out again. Quinn will often want to make a case for himself or something he wants to his Dad or I. At these moments, he will sometimes explain that "Mommy said I could" or that Daddy also acquiesced, even if such conversations never took place. Luke and I are smart enough to corroborate any such testimony, but it is an interesting habit. I suppose he hears how people make cases for things or try to get their way and that's what he thinks he is to do. We don't ever use the word "lie" when we talk with them, we just gently check sources and correct when we need to. Funny kid.

Elbows and ears. Quinn has always been a marvelously affectionate little boy, a very good snuggler and cuddler. At present, he loves to kiss his father's ears and leave wet traces there and for me, it's my elbows. He loves to pinch and pull at the lose skin there. He gives many, many kisses and loves to be held. In the past week I've managed to steer clear of all piggy backs, but for a while there, his morning descent to the first floor was generally a piggy back from one of his loyal parents. The same can be said for his entrance into school. Now that the weather is nice, he likes to run in, but the piggy backs were pretty popular for a bit. Best get ready for school!

Things are coming down to the wire and there's much to do and much exhaustion. Today we had our 5th ultrasound and baby is doing well. They only measure weight every third week so we didn't get any reading on that, but she scored 8/8 on all the things they measure. The NST was a lengthy one because she and I were sleepy and they wanted to see her move, but I took a bit of a nap during it so that couldn't have sparked much action. Two more days of the quarter and I am very ready for all to conclude, though I am grateful for the slow down that occurs at the end of the term, even if it also means ramping up for the new one. I've still got stuff to do for my long term sub, as well as things to try and accomplish for the science class. We'll see what is possible and what is not.

Quinn is back to school this week after his spring break and making the adjustment alright. He's a bit worn down, I think, as a couple break downs last evening point to. He went to bed fairly early though so hopefully tomorrow morning will be a chipper one. He had his favorite mashed potatoes last night so that was sweet:) He's all about any kind of fruit snack lately, which is fun and remains a devoted fan of his bars. He likes his new round of spring shirts, none of which are Star Wars, so we haven't had to flip shirts in or out for school. He has a new green shirt that he is very fond of and Luke found an old Millenium Falcon pin that he wears with it. We have cheap dragon figures floating through the house because of the new Dreamworks picture. Hopefully they will find their way into the garbage pretty soon.

Life is pretty steady with the family as we head into life with 4. We go to school together, Luke picks us up, we sit on the blue bench (out of chronological order, by the way) and get Quinn in his school shoes as opposed to his outdoor shoes and then Luke and I make a typical stop at Caribou for my drop off. Life with the Honda accord is going swimmingly and we love driving about in a whole car. The two beater cars that were occupying our drive way are gone and that is a mighty relief. We got another key for the Honda this past weekend, so for better or worse, we probably won't have to do anything for the Honda until an oil change. It's nice to have that security and reliability with the car.

I love listening to Quinn chat to himself. He had a new Star Ward pop up book and he is very funny about reading it to himself. THis evening he was watching a little Star Wars on Luke's phone and then was humming/singing to the theme song while I was in the kitchen cooking and Luke was cleaning his monitor. I popped in to watch him and he became a little shy, the sweet boy. He is a pretty regular hummer or singer and when you ask him what he's doing he says, "just talking". Funny kid. I took Quinn to speech last week for the first time. Luke is normally the point person for that; his therapist is a chipper and happy woman and Quinn seems very comfortable working with her.

Now that the rooms are switched up, we've fallen back into our routine of who sleeps where. Though it looked like Quinn was going to spend some more quality time in his crib, as a few lengthy naps indicated, he is clear about sleeping in the big bed with Mommy. Right before a baby arrives hardly seems the time to kick him out and lose that quality time, so we will adjust and hope that #2 likes the crib:)

Alright, I should try and get some sleep and the red light is showing on the battery icon above so that's a clear sign too. Loving my family so very much- as always- and beginning to have those slightly anxious pangs about labor and the upcoming pain. Oh well. It all ends in a fabulous new child:)