Dear Lily,

I'm not not writing about you because I don't have things to say. The thing is, with your brother, I was half lucid in my journaling scribbles and in your case, I am doing my best to take care of myself physically, which means sleeping more for both of our sakes. So, the ramblings of a woman who is sleep deprived are absent, though that doesn't mean that I don't take you in with wonder each moment of the day. You are lovely to behold and to hold. Your sweet full cheeks and expressive face fill me with gratitude and love. I am blessed to be your mother and thankful for your relaxed nature. Of course, your relaxed nature could be a result of your mother being infinitely calmer this time around. You are much smaller than we expected, but we enjoy the freedom to hold you without straining our arms or backs:) You can be wrapped up snuggly in a blanket and rest comfortably in the Boppy. Despite your misery with your first cold, you are still a very mellow baby. You are a good nurser, though at times you conk out after a quick feed, leading you to want to eat sooner rather than later. Still, you are an easy sleeper in the arms of those who love you and patient with your brother's kisses and holds on your sweet self. Your skin is peeling here and there, but in many places, you've shed that baby layer and all that remains is your soft, marvelous skin. You've enjoyed your two baths so far, despite a chilly rinse on the first one. I am more able to diaper and change you without anxiety because I've done it before. We've not settled into a permanent sleeping situation, but typically you and I sleep together and Quinn has been known to join us in whatever bed we end up in. You've not slept far from us on any occasion and this is due to our desire to hear you breathe and have you near. I sleep bette when I know I can look up at any moment and see you safe. Last night I awoke to one of my children sleeping right next to me with his/her arm resting on mine and for an instant I thought it was you, but rousing myself, realized the familiar face was your brother's. You two do have so many common features. That is excepting, of course, your gorgeous head of hair that I am constantly stroking. The hair is so long on the sides that I am always tucking it behind your ears. It's a whole new level of upkeep for me as a parent. Your brother and Dad are playing Star Wars Legos right now while you sleep in your father's arms. You've not been awake much today so I don't know how tonight will go. No matter:) You are a wonderful addition to the family and my heart is filled with joy and peace when I look at you. Thank you for being healthy and well, for being mellow and low-maintenance and I look forward to many adventures as you hit new milestones:)

Well, still no arrival of baby and I feel what most mothers likely feel which is a cross between wanting to NOT be pregnant any longer and not wanting necessarily to start the whole infant need process. Do I want to be without rest and uncomfortable because I have had the baby or because I haven't? Is there greater joy or relaxation in spending these final days with just one child and our happy trio or will there be a different, but lovely happiness to a new baby being here to see and love, even amidst new diapers, feedings and whatnot?

Yesterday was a lovely day. I was happy to be able to attend my shower at Asha's and it was a very sweet affair. Asha had everyone bring a dish to share and the bounty of leftovers came home with me, filling my freezer with goodness and love. It was delightful to see Nielsen and to see our three mothers together. Beth, Megan, Bobbi, and Sheryl rounded out gang and it was a pleasant affair. We decorated onesies, visited and had an overall mellow time. Megan crafted a really gorgeous quilt for the baby and had a sundry of other beautiful gifts. We received gifts we needed to supplement our baby girl readiness, along with heaps of good will and love. Afterwards I was able to spend quality time chatting with Asha and Jen and returned home for a lovely evening with Quinn. My son was all about some quality one on one time with Mom, so he and I went to the Noodle Store together (Noodles and Co.), then to Lund's for a few groceries and then to the Ice Cream store (Izzy's) for our dessert treat. He was incredibly well behaved throughout and seemed all to happy to have me to himself.

I have all of my thank you's taken care of for the shower and feel terrific about honoring everyone's love and also being on top of things before I cease to have full use of my brain. To be fair, I think my brain is a little bit scattered. Last night was a rough night of sleep, mixed with traces of anxiety. I should have probably taken one of the pills they sent home with me, but it feels odd to take something medicinal when I so rarely so anymore.

I am trying to imprint in my mind moments with the trio. Today Quinn and his Dad did some dish washing together. Quinn was wearing his green t-short which runs a little long. His pants were absent because we had just changed a full diaper. With Quinn on the stool, he is just a head shorter than his father. They were working together and Quinn's industry around his dishwashing was a delight to see, as well as Luke's focused attention to model and teach. Earlier today Quinn and I played with trains and legos and light sabers. Then, we all went to the park and I watched my two boys golf together. The golfing turned into chasing around the field after the ball, with Quinn laughing, giggling and loving life. He says things like, "I found the park" when we drive there.

Have I mentioned how adorable my son is when my son hits the downward dog pose after going poop in the toilet and getting help from Luke or I to get all cleaned up? Quinn plopped himself down in the baby chair/seat thing again. He also wanted to be held like a baby before his nap today. He started his nap in the crib, but eventually ended up napping next to me. Last night when he saw the beautiful quilt from Megan he wanted to lay it out for the baby. He very carefully spread it out on the big bed during story time last night. Sweet boy. He is vascillating between pride about the baby and the baby's new things and some anxiety. I suppose my son and I are much alike:)

I'm trying to be as planful as possible about recognizing people's desire to meet the little one once she arrives, but trying to do it graciously and on terms that I like. I know that my level of exhaustion pre-baby makes me more emotional and particular about things and the baby amnesia didn't block unpleasant memories from the first few days of being home and feeling overwhelmed by guests and whatnot. I want to invite people to take joy in her, just as we do, but I want to be together enough and my family intact enough, to do it well-- in our own way. Let's hope that the planning and foresight Luke and I have tried to have will serve us well. Certainly, we observed much from Levi and Bobbi's recent challenges with family introductions and Leigha.

I don't want to give birth on 4/20, even though that would mean that I might get to have Edie help deliver the little one. While her birthday would certainly be something extraordinary to celebrate, she might always be haunted by the other events that took place on that day. Of course, I don't have control over such things:)

Well, no baby yet, even though we spent last night at Regions in their labor and delivery "way station". Uggh. After timing the contractions at every 5 minutes for an hour, I was ready to go, yet patient. We waited for my Mom to arrive, continued to play with Quinn and readied ourselves. We took showers, made sure the house was in order and then departed. One of the most emotional parts of the evening was saying good-bye to Quinn. There I was in the living room, watching Quinn play with the baby swing and in my mind, I was saying farewell to that part of his life, the trio of just the three of us, knowing that his life was going to change... and it made saying goodbye to him very difficult. The only time I cried the whole night was after waving goodbye to my son from the car. We really are entering this whole new phase of life where Quinn isn't my baby or only child and its difficult to see that. I want to be able to give him everything he needs and that is bound to change in the very near future. Still, he has my heart and love and that is not going to change, no matter the obligations or duties I have before me. I will sacrifice what I must to be an exceptional mother and partner:)

Now, to the guts of the evening.. the miserable, long evening.

When I arrived I was ushered to the way station. Wait, back up. As we were driving along University, blocks away from the hospital, a car nearly hit us as it illegally merged into the two lanes of our traffic. It was wild and frightening and to Luke's credit, he remained super calm, not even honking. How hilarious then to see that same car pulled in front of the emergency room, lifting/pushing a very pregnant woman into the ER. How funny it would have been to see the two of our cars crash when we both had the same destination and the same reason for heading in that direction. Fortunately, we were all safe:)

Back to the night. We were officiously packed and not carrying the weight of 80 bags which seemed to be our plan last time. We were hooked up to the machines and watched the contractions come and go frequently and with great intensity. It made me glad to see that I wasn't hallucinating the contractions and validated my record keeping. I watched some Mad Men, ate some granola bars, lived the risky life and ate a regions box lunch with a lunch meat sandwich and waited for things to progress, which they did not. Around 2 or so, they gave me meds so I could sleep and then I dozed in and out of sleep until around 6 when I was finally so exhausted by the temperature and limbs falling asleep and the aches in my butt from the heinous thing they call a bed... and were sent home. The contractions had slowed considerably and after muliple cervix checks nothing had changed. So, after both Luke and I suffered enormous discomfort and shitty sleep, we went home. I appreciate my bed so very, very much. We'll be bringing our own pillows next time and lots of them because the hospital ones suck. Erggh. So, I've taken multiple naps today and relaxed and am looking forward to my shower tomorrow. I hope to spend some quality time with Jen and Asha after the shower and I guess just bide my time until she really chooses to arrive. Money is very tight, but I'm sure something will work out. At this point, I want to go to Tuesday's ultrasound and see the fetal weight and then go from there. I'd like to get the science class stuff finished and Ethan's eval mailed off. That way, I know that both of those stipends will be coming my way in the coming weeks. Thank goodness that Congress approved the extensions for unemployment. Otherwise, our financial life was going to get very interesting, very quickly. I am excited to see Quinn when he returns from Grandma's this afternoon and grateful for her help. I need to be nicer to her and not let me anxiety over her aging get in the way of how I treat her. I am all about grapefruits lately. Yesterday was, by the way, a rather delightful afternoon with the family. We stopped by Lund's after getting Quinn and picked up food for a picnic. Then, we headed over to Minnehaha Falls park and played and ate there. We met a nice man and his daughter, whose wife teaches in Apple Valley and they are also expecting their second. It was a very nice time. In fact, we've had plenty of joyful trio kinds of outings lately, many of them taking place at Izzy's or as Quinn calls it "The Ice Cream Store". We likes to get a Strawberry cone with a chocolate Izzy. Luke and i too have been trying to hang together and enjoy solo adult time. We went to Key's yesterday for breakfast after our midwife appt. and had a nice meal where I ran into an old AVHS student. Crazy!

Alright, must get to dinner. Loving my family always.

Another new day and no new baby:) Fortunately, I slept well last night and Luke and Quinn had another evening of Star Wars bed bonding, which meant I had the big bed to myself. Last night we headed to the park and played a little baseball and then enjoyed the swings and park features. It is interesting for me to watch coaching in action, as Luke directs or redirects Quinn's stance and whatnot for baseball. The Target anecdote about picking his bat is also pretty funny, but we'll hope Luke holds on to that memory as its not my own to share. Quinn's preschool conference was yesterday and it looks like we need to focus on sorting and groups-- and perhaps encouraging Quinn to engage in more solo, direct play. It's pretty amazing to me how quickly a parent's mind goes to defending or justifying a child's development or intellect and I have to catch myself before I go off the deep end on either end. For example, when she says she's concerned that Quinn needs to be reminded of an activities purpose or exercise, do I take that as a processing or memory issue? A focus issue? Do I seek out additional resources for him? Or, do I consider on the other hand that his learning style may not be as suited to Montessori as some kids? Ah, the balance. I want Quinn to do well in life and have achievement and happiness. His teacher says he is a very happy child, very respective and takes direction well. He has a marvy little group of friends--- who sometimes like to band together and run around the room until stopped... How much should he be doing as a three year old and how much should we be doing at home? We're trying to ratchet down tv and game time and encourage outdoor activities and legos. He does great pretend play and can play independently well. At what point to I consider the skills he is working on and those that are on hold? At what point do I hold Luke and I more responsible for this or that skill? Ah, the mind game that is accountable parenting! I don't want to fail my children or for them to fail in life, though I know that both ideas are sort of gray areas.

Anywho, I was deeply frustrated with the nurse line last night because I just want to know when everything is going to happen and then plan from there, but my daughter to be is not on a schedule that I am privy to. SO, we'll head to our prenatal appt. this morning and take the non-stress test and then see from there. I am loath to go back to work now that I've left because it makes more sense for Windy to just gain her own personal momentum instead of me jumping back in and trying to create continuity again. Additionally, there's the Public Speaking licensure issue and I'd rather just be done with that and not stir any professional fires but trying to teach something I need a variance for. It would be nice to attend the shower on Saturday too, minus a child, but gracious sakes, will the contractions just remain?? The nurse was doing her best, I am sure, to be judicious and told me I could come in if I wanted to, but the absence of terrible back pain and the inconsistent timing of the contractions meant this was probably practice. Annoying, aggravating practice, I wanted to say, but practice. Plus, my mind is really centered on my current birth plan of keep Quinn and Luke as comfortable as possible. Imagining heading to the hospital in the middle of the night and having to make arrangements for Quinn's care and an alternative morning routine were upsetting to me. Alright, must get going so we can get Quinn off to school and Luke and I to the doctor.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

Banana paper.

This is Quinn's knock knock joke. It makes very little sense, but it is wonderfully adorable, like most things about him. He is becoming more and more wonderfully independent. He can dress himself almost entirely when it suits him and he also can get undressed with the same aplomb. Luke is being exceptional about mornings with Quinn. He has him in this lovely routine of sitting on the toilet, brushing his teeth in the morning and getting him ready. Quinn slept with his Dad last night and never came into my room at all. It's been a week now-- or maybe more- and he's been nursing free. Wild. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, this is very good news, but I can't help but pause a little and think back on the end of this phase of things. Just as Quinn seems to want to be a baby and talks about wanting to be in the swing, lay in the crib, he is moving forward as a little boy. He needs me just as much, but senses and knows that Dad is more able to be there for him these days. I know the new little one will need me very much, but it is with some sadness that I say farewell to Quinn's role as my only baby. He has been throughout such a source of joy and happiness and will obviously continue to be, but he will have to share that spotlight and that will be hard for both of us. Alright, feeling mushy. Loving my family.

Well, it seems the time is come.. or it appears so. I've been up since about 2, with a short nap in the wee hours of the morning and then another before lunch time. I called in for school and had Windy arrive, figuring I'd be too exhausted for school and that perhaps this is just how the some labors go... slowly. I hope it progresses because now I feel ready to be done. Heading back to school tomorrow, only to have more contractions that may or may not lead to labor is anti-climatic and not terribly fair to Windy or myself in terms of planning-- or at least a challenge. I am relishing my final moments in isolation. I encouraged Luke to keep his meeting with his Mom this morning at IKEA while I rested and then sent him off to the bank and to spend his birthday gap gift card at the mall while he was in the neighborhood. He's going to also grab some Chipotle, the spiciest thing I eat and let's hope that moves things along. I will also try and convince Luke to go on a walk with me later:) I want to move this along:)

Quinn's hide and seek

Quinn's approach to hide and seek has always been "evolving" and we've reached new understandings of how the game works, but we still have some room to grow:) It used to be that Luke and I would be laying next to him in bed and he'd hide under the covers. Now, we use the two bedrooms upstairs and play in a modified fashion. There's counting now, which is a fun addition. Of course, Luke and i try to count to 10 and Quinn is more of the 1, 2, 3 kind of kid. Additionally, the hiding is still not the key element. Quinn always hides in the same spots and insists that we hide in particular places as well. For example, the other day we needed to hide next to the big bed in Mom and Dad's room. When I tried to hide in the closet I was reprimanded. Quinn likes very much to hide under his Star Wars bed, nearly every time. His feet hang out and he makes little effort to hide them:) He also chuckles and giggles throughout the script of what we say when we look for him, "Hmm, where is Quinn? Is he under the crib? Is he in the closet? (Then we'll open the closet and say "Boo") Is he next to his kitchen?" Then, we'll tickle his feet and he'll crawl out. While we're still visiting, Quinn will ask to do it again and he'll crawl right back under the bed to be found, sending Luke or I to the other room to count. Last night was a new fun twist on things in that Quinn and I would hide behind pillows we held up in front of ourselves while sitting on the bed. I was feeling particularly immobile with #2 and so hiding behind a pillow in front of my face- though it failed to cover all of me- seemed a reasonable idea. Quinn agreed. He also determined that if he closed his eyes, no one else could see or find him. So, at one point, Quinn was lying face down on the bed stuffing his little head into a pillow, legs kicked up and he believed himself to be invisible. My chuckles and joy at his antics are really one of a kind. We're on day 5 right now of the weaning and he is grumpier about it then before. But, he has gotten over both of those episodes, for which I am grateful. I know this is very difficult for him and certainly not easy for me to watch him to sad, but I think it's key for us to at least advance this work before #2 arrives. I am doing my best to be patient and understanding, comforting and loving, in the face of this major change for him. Last night he wanted to be "the baby" and so I said I would hold him for 3 minutes like a baby, but naturally, Luke ended up helping. He did try to sleep in the crib like a baby, but eventually wound up in the Star Wars bed with Luke. On one of my first wake-ups of the night, I saw Luke bound up in a blanket on the floor and Quinn pleasantly sleeping. Later, Quinn wandered into the other room and slept the rest of the night with me. This morning has been all about a painful leg cramp in my left leg. Good stuff.

Yesterday evening we went to Edgecumbe park, our park of choice in the area. Quinn did lots of swinging with Dad and then played on the slide. There were some older boys there who were serving as rather poor role models. At one point, Quinn approached Luke and I with a mouthful of sand. For whatever reason, he had determined that he was going to put his whole mouth in the sand. Uggh. The other boys were also all about climbing up the slides, a feat not so bad for them, but not a practice we want him to have. I hope that Luke and I will remember the impressionability of the young ones as Quinn gets older and more agile.

Luke is a really marvelous father. His ability to brush Quinn's teeth, to make him laugh uproariously, to swing his son back and forth in the towel after bed time, to take him to swimming lessons and help him evolve as a little fish, the Dad's class every Monday night.. he's a very good, very loving father. Quinn is a very lucky little boy. Granted, right now, the two of them are playing Star Wars Legos on the Wii and Dad can get impatient with Quinn's "focus", but that's because he's human:) Mixed in with his patient humor is sound encouragement:)

One fun thing from this week was the taking of video on Luke's phone. Quinn loved to watch himself chatting and would impersonate himself as he watched. Quite funny:)

I've fallen off the gestational diabetes diet in major ways in the past month or so. I am trying to regain some semblance of control this weekend by monitoring my breakfast and beginning to the day. I have added grapefruits to my food line-up in the hopes that it takes the edge off my recent sweet tooth. Even though fruit is still carbs, this is far fewer calories than the three Izzy visits we made this week. Bless Luke for being generous and supportive, even as my choices are not the wisest.

I am taking every day as it comes, one at a time and knowing that is how I have to proceed. I will deal with what comes when it comes and for not, I need to be good to myself and my family every step of this process towards my daughter's arrival. Having a girl the second time allows me the convenience to keep saying that Quinn is the best little boy this Mommy could have and similarly unbiased statements that esteem him. She is well entitled to be a terrific daughter and Quinn gets to be the superb boy. Good times for all.

Bath time is going brilliantly lately as Quinn loves to float on his back and stomach and do laps in the tub. Funny little swimmer. Love it.